poured as much energy into prayer forrnworld peace, we’d probably have it. Inrnthe meantime, we can ponder the impactrnof Elvis.rn—Cathryn HanklarnELVIS IS ALIVE at a museum inrnWright, Missouri. When I drive by arnsign reading “He lives!” in rural America,rnI often have difficulty telling whether itrnrefers to Jesus or Elvis, but in Wright arnhuge billboard assures motorists on hiterstatern70 that the phrase refers to thernone more influential in American popularrnculture, to the King of Rock ratherrnthan the Prince of Peace.rnThe Elvis Is Alive Museum and 50’srnCafe bears much the same relationshiprnto Graceland as a tent revival does tornthe Vatican. One is established, ornate,rnwell-endowed, and orthodox; the other isrnnew, slightly shabby, underfunded, andrnsomewhat heretical. But just as evangelicalrnfundamentalism burns with anrnenthusiasm that may have vanished fromrnmore sedate branches of Christianity, sornWright, Missouri, makes contributionsrnto the Elvis cult not to be found inrnMemphis, Tennessee.rnThe most fundamental difference betweenrnthe orthodox and heterodox followersrnof Elvis appears in their treatmentsrnof his alleged death. WhilernGraceland has the “tomb” of Elvis, thernmuseum claims the world’s largest collectionrnof clippings and photos of Elvisrnsince his “disappearance” (a term consideredrnby manv more accurate thanrn”death”). A running poll taken of allrnvisitors to the museum has consistentlyrnremained two to one in favor of his stillrnbeing alive.rnOwner Bill Beeny has heard many reasonsrnfor Elvis’s disappearance. In recentrnyears, the theory that he was removed torna “safe house” by the FBI or DEA afterrnreceiving death threats for his undercoverrnwork apprehending drug dealersrnhas overtaken in popularity the onernclaiming that he was working with thernCIA against a communist conspiracy.rnHypotheses concerning his abductionrnby LIFOs or the Mafia are also common.rnMy favorite theory is that he had arnhuge contract with Weight Watchers tornblimp out for “before” pictures, then disappear,rnlose the weight for “after” pictures,rnand reappear on TV endorsingrntheir product and that he can’t returnrnfrom hiding because he hasn’t been ablernto shed the lard. No doubt a slenderrnand revitalized Elvis shall come againrnwith the new millennium.rnThe Elvis Is Alive Museum (Interstatern70 and Main Street, Wright, Missouri) isrnopen 9 A.M. to 5 P.M. daily. Admission isrn$4 for adults, $2 for children aged six torn12 and adults over 60. Special attractionsrninclude a gift shop and a weddingrnchapel.rn—Carol PosterrnJ O E D I M A G G I O , where have yourngone? One could add Babe Ruth, BobbyrnHull, and Dick Butkus. On good daysrnAmerican sports stars were treated morernas gods than as mortal heroes, but onrnbad days they were booed mercilessly byrnfans. Booing is a grand old American tradition,rnbut like nearly everything that’srntraditional, it’s now under attack. Lastrnfall the San Diego Padres proposed banningrnat Jack Murphy Stadium all signs,rnbanners, and expressions “critical of thernteam’s management.” The A.C.L.U. intervenedrnand convinced the team’s ownersrnto drop the proposal. “By affirmingrnthat fans may [be] critical of the team’srnownership and management,” said anrnA.C.L.U. spokeswoman, “the Padresrnhave upheld this tradition.” The womanrnobviously thought all’s well that endsrnwell, but this was a Pyrrhic victory atrnbest. If booing has to be defended as arn”human right,” then it’s hardly worthrnthe effort.rnThe long arm of human rights andrnthe A.C.L.U. has even reached downrnto the small ranching community ofrnHempstead, Texas, where the schoolrnboard barred pregnant tarts from thernhigh school chcerleading squad lastrnOctober. The A.C.L.U. threatened lawrnsuits, the National Organization forrnWomen claimed the ruling violatedrnTitle IX of the 1972 Education Amendments,rnand the federal governmentrnthreatened to cut off funds to the community.rnUnsurprisingly, the town cavedrnin the following month and reversed itsrnruling. “We are not rich enough to fightrnthe deep pockets from the outside,” saidrnthe school board president.rnThere’s no doubt about it. Sports,rnwhich used to be a wild-game preservernfor brutish, insensitive males, have beenrnconquered by feminists, multiculturalists,rnand antiwhitc racists. Ice skating isrnnow taken seriously as one of our hallowedrnnational pastimes, and sportswritersrnregularly pose as Ercuds and Skinnersrnand pontificate on such “news” asrnthe victimization of Tonya Harding byrnpatriarchy and poverty. A sporting eventrnactually worthy of cultural commentaryrnwas the Wisconsin-Michigan State footballrngame played last December. Thisrnwas the most important game for Wisconsinrnin 31 years, for a victory meantrnthat the Badgers would earn a trip tornthe coveted Rose Bowl on New Year’srnDay. And yet where was the gamernplayed? Not in the Midwest, but thousandsrnof miles away in the TokyornDome—just another regional sacrificernon the altar of transnationalism.rnA few years ago, Garry Trudeau madernfun of Michael Milken for lecturing tornuniversity students, but where were thernsatirists when the Wharton School ofrnBusiness at the University of Pennsylvaniarninvited boxing shyster Don King torngive a lecture on entrepreneurship? Addressingrna packed audience last November,rnKing offered our future businessrnleaders the following sage ad’ice: “Imagernis the most important thing”; “You mustrnwrite it on before you write it off” (thisrnfrom a guy once charged with 24 countsrnof income-tax evasion); and “Never underestimaternyourself. I have had setbacksrnevery now and then. Failures?rnNever.” Apparently beating a man torndeath over a gambling debt, for which herndid four years in prison, doesn’t count asrna “failure” in King’s moral ledger.rnWhen football commissioner PaulrnTigliabue chastised Arizonans in 1991rnbv denying them the Super Bowl becausernthey didn’t have a paid holiday inrnhonor of Martin Luther King, Jr., thisrnwas only a preview of coming attractions.rnAfter Michael Jordan’s father was murderedrnlast summer, national sportswritersrnand the news media predictably impliedrnthat white racism had had a hand in therntragedy. The rural, white. Southernrncoroner who cremated the decomposedrnbody of what was then considered a JohnrnDoe, you see, did so because the corpsernwas black, and, after all, we all know thatrnthat’s the way the Redneck South has alwaysrnand will always treat African-Americans.rnNo one in the national press darernpoint out the obvious: that the father ofrnone of the country’s greatest athletes, ofrnone of the black community’s foremostrnheroes, had been killed not by a wliiternbut apparently by another black. It is exactlyrnthis type of racial politics that preventsrnany sustained national rebuke ofrnsuch hustlers as Jesse Jackson, who criedrnat the annual Buffalo Bills Boondogglernlast January that the NFL is racist becausernit allowed the Super Bowl to bern6/CHRONICLESrnrnrn