VITAL SIGNSrnPat Buchanan’srnFirst InauguralrnAddressrnby Gary NorthrnWhat if Pat Buchanan were to winrnthe presidency? That prospectrnintrigues me. Let’s assume that Patrnwins, somedav. What could he do tornrestore the American repubHc? A greatrndeal. I therefore propose my version ofrnPat Buchanan’s first inaugural address.rnIt is a wonderful thing to be here inrnfront of ail these television cameras andrnknow that I will not be interrupted evenrnonce by Michael Kinsley. It has beenrnsaid that my election constitutes a revolution.rnNot so. I am a conservative.rnConservatives do not believe in revolution.rnWc believe in slow, organic change.rnI propose onlv minor, technical changes.rnNothing revolutionary here.rnLet mc explain this program. It isrnnot an extension of the New Nationalism,rnthe New Freedom, the New Deal,rnor the New Frontier. I call it the OldrnTruths. The two most fundamental ofrnthese truths are these: one, “You can’trnget something for nothing”; and two,rn”If you play ball with the government,rnsome bureaucrat will shove the batrndown your throat. Or worse.” I haverndivided my program into 12 sections.rnI. Executive OrdersrnSince 1862, this country has been increasinglyrngoverned by executive ordersrnissued by federal agencies, not by lawsrnvoted for by elected officials. I will introducernlegislation to Congress this weekrnestablishing that executive orders fromrnnow on will apply only to employees ofrnthe Executive branch of the federalrngovernment. As my first official act asrnPresident of the United States, 1 amrnhereby signing Executive Order 12,788,rnwhich abolishes all previous executivernorders, starting immediately. Anvonernoutside of the federal government whornis asked to comply in any way with a previousrnexecutive order is hereby free torntell the offending government agency tornconsult this executive order.rnShould the federal courts somehowrnfind a loophole in this executive order, Irnintend to spend the remainder of mvrnterm of office signing pardons for privaterncitizens convicted of disobeying executivernorders. I call this program “JustrnSay No.”rn2. RegulationrnIt is my belief that the primary victimsrnof the federal government’s intrusionrninto privacy ought to be otherrngovernment agencies. I am thereforernsigning Executive Order 12,789, whichrnestablishes a board that will consider accusationsrnfrom one federal agency thatrnanother federal agency has lied or misledrnany official under the authority of anyrnfederal cabinet member. If one agencyrncan prove that another has lied or misledrnthe President of the United States orrnone of his lawful agents, the offendingrnagency will have its appropriation cutrnthe following year by one percent, half ofrnwhich will go to the agency that blewrnthe whistle, the other half going to a taxrebaternfund for the general public. Thernemployee who successfully blew thernwhistle will be granted a tax-free bonusrnof up to a half-million dollars, and hisrnimmediate supervisor will be given anrnaward of half of whatever the employeerngets. Some critics of this plan expectrndeals to be cut between employees ofrndifferent agencies, with employees ofrnone leaking information to employeesrnof another in exchange for similar leaks.rnI hope the critics are correct.rnI am hereby establishing a Board ofrnAppeals that will consider all such accusations.rnIt will be staffed by a minimumrnof 10,000 agents, whom I will haverntransferred immediately from the InternalrnRevenue Service. I call this programrn”Whistle While You Work.”rn3. TaxationrnFederal elections are held on the firstrnTuesday after the first Monday of November.rnI will submit legislation tornCongress that establishes the filing daternfor all federal tax payments as the dayrnbefore the elections. I call this programrn”Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?”rnI will also immediately propose legislationrnabolishing the federal withholdingrntax. I call this program “Your CheckrnIs in the Mail.”rn4. The Federal Court SystemrnI will propose legislation go’erning allrnfederal lawsuits and executive agenciesrnthat establishes the obligation of the initiatingrnagency to pay all court costs andrnlegal fees of those defendants who arerndeclared innocent. I call this programrn”You’d Better Be Sure.”rnTo follow through on this, I will proposernlegislation governing all cases appealedrnto a federal court. The plaintiffrnwill henceforth pay all the court costsrnof a defendant who is declared innocent.rnAlso, in cases where the plaintiff’s lawyerrnaccepted the case on a contingency feernbasis, the lawyer or his firm will pay therncontingency percentage of the defendant’srncosts. I call this program “CaveatrnBarrister.”rn5. Health CarernI will propose legislation abolishing allrnregulatory controls by the Food andrnDrug Administration over medical treatmentsrnfor AIDS. Anyone who thinks hernhas a cure for AIDS will henceforth bernallowed to offer it for sale without interferencernfrom any federal agency. Ifrnit proves beneficial, fine. If it provesrnuseless, no problem. If it proves harmful,rnthe seller can be prosecuted by thernvictims. I expect no opposition on thisrnmatter from Congress, since the Demo-rnNOVEMBER 1992/45rnrnrn