together. I lose; you lose; he, she, it loses. Call it anconjugation for clowns, syntax for suckers. Then try tonthink positively about it. Chances are you will always havennext to nothing to lose. No Book of Job for you. WhennDeath comes knock, knock, knockin’, early or late, you’llnbe about half glad to unlock, unbolt, and open the door.nAnd if the Idiots start trading off missiles and nukes, wellnyou don’t have to worry about all your trophies and medalsnmelting down. There are advantages to being a nonentity, annobody, as Emily Dickinson pointed out a couple of times.nOf course, the great anxiety is that you can never benperfectly sure that you won’t be recognized, sooner or later,nand spoil your record. My (pardon the expression) authornlooked like a sure thing, a shoo-in to avoid and escape everynknown prize and award. He never figured They would gonout and invent one just for him. Who would have guessednthat the silly little parody magazine. Poultry: A Magazine ofnVoice, Second Series, No. 2 (Fall 1986), p. 6, the selfsamenpage whereon poet Dave Smith received his richly deservednPullet Surprise and Charles Simic was named winner of thenNational Duck Award, would present Poultry’s First AnnualnForgot to Duck Award to my author?nOne other thing. A lot of people criticize my badnlanguage. I don’t know where they get off bad-mouthingnme. Mostly they complain about my constant use of the F-nWord. Well, here I am almost halfway through this address,nand I haven’t used the F- Word one time yet. And I don’tnplan to, either. Except in that precise form. If I have to, Inwill use some variation in the euphemism, itself As in: “F-nWord you!” Or “Who invited this F- Wording guy to speaknat my graduation?”nFair enough?nWhere are we? Well, you probably know where you are,nanyway. Sitting out there in your rented cap and gownngetting ready to graduate. Real life is waiting. Like a copnbehind a tree or a billboard. About 15 minutes, on average,nafter you turn in your cap and gown, it’s going to start tondawn on you. How you have spent a whole lot of money,nyours and other people’s, and, minimum, four years ofnprecious time, to acquire a rolled up piece of paper thatnwon’t buy you a beer or a cup of coffee. F- Worded again!nAnd bear in mind that this isn’t the last time you will hearnfrom the folks here. This institution has already targetednyou as a source of funds for the future. Your name is alreadynin the computer.nHow are you ever going to earn enough money to be ablento afford to give them some of it? If you are rich already,nthen just don’t worry about it. Statistics prove conclusivelynthat, barring the Nuclear War, which will change everybody’snluck and numbers significantly and looks like a morenattractive prospect every day, you will most likely stay richnor end up even richer. Numbers also prove that most of younwill stay pretty much the same as you are. You will nevernquite realize it because you will be earning more dollars.nBut those bucks will always be worth less and will buy less.nIn the end you will be very lucky if you make as much asnyour old man whether he went to some college or not.nUnlike him, you stand a good chance of never being able tonown your own house. You will, however, make out a littlenbetter, in the long run, than if you had not attendedncollege. Let that truth cheer you up every spring at TaxnSeason. And you can take some consolation in the fact thatnyou will be supporting at least one other guy (more if the F-nWording Liberals come back in fashion) who may or maynnot have been to high school or college, but who neverncared if school kept or not. Who is perfectly happy to takenyour money and use it to F- Word a whole lot more thannyou have time or energy for, to drink, to smoke MexicannMary Jane and snort Columbian snow, to sing and dance,nplay the banjo, and then, for serious fun and games, to gonout and yoke and mug your old, crippled grandmother. Trynto be positive about this. It helps to think of the fellow (ornfellows) you are supporting as being, in a real sense, yournown more ethnically interesting other half or shadow selfnWhen things get really dull, when hard labor and drudgerynare all, you can pause to think of him and what he is up to,nrelishing the vicarious experience of it all.nI don’t want to get into a taboo subject like politics, but Infeel I should point out that much which you learned herenis, well . . . inapplicable. Don’t take my word for it. ReadnAmerica in Perspective by (no kidding) Oxford Analytica.nThey claim that political parties. Democrats and Republicans,nDixiecrats and Progressives, Commies or Nazis, don’tnmean much any more. What we have really comes down tonis Right-Wing Rednecks and Liberal Pussies. Nothing innbetween. The RR’s are invincibly ignorant and darn proudnof it. They can’t (or won’t) find places like Liberia andnNigeria on a printed map. They can’t pronounce the capitalnof Honduras. They are adamantly unpersuasive, and theyndon’t care. That’s a very large part of their charm. The LP’s,non the other hand, are usually very persuasive (partlynbecause they own all the means of persuasion), and theirncharm is just charm. Their chief domestic goal is to take allnof your hard-earned money and give it to that shadowynfellow you have been supporting all along. Whether he willnthen share it back with you or blow it all on a Mercedesnremains to be seen. Judging by the example of his (excusenme) Third World kinfolk, he will go for the car. LP’s believenin national defense without resort to deadly force, and theynare prepared to negotiate about anything. They like to giventhings, especially other people’s things, away. High on thenLP giveaway list are Florida and Alaska. The only thingnRR’s and LP’s have in common is the desire to F- Wordnyou and me and anybody else they can catch in thenmissionary position.nSpeaking of which, I guess I better at least mentionnFeminism and The Sexual Revolution. Feminism has beenna huge success. It put the women to work so guys can goofnoff more and don’t have to pay as much alimony and childnsupport when we move on to greener grass and youngernstuff. It has also worked out that most of them can’t evernmake enough money ever to feel free and secure. If andnwhen we want them back, they have a very powerfulnincenhve. As for sex, the basic stuff, well, let’s face it, thengreat advantage of the feminoid, on-top position is that theynhave to do most of the work.nOf course, the collapse of The Sexual Revoluhon isnchanging everything. The leaders, those who haven’t hadnstrokes or been shot or something, are praying night and daynthat somebody will come up with a quick and easy miraclencure for Herpes II and AIDS. Good luck to them! But, curenor no, it looks like serious masturbation is here to stay.nnnSEPTEMBER 1987117n