sters and punks who are besieging ourrncities like packs of wild dogs from the ordinaryrnpeople who have been reduced tornservile laziness by the welfare state andrninfected with a sense of victimizationrnthat prevents them from doing anythingrnto help themselves.rn—Thomas FlemingrnPBS HUCKSTERS Biff and Muffyrnbleated “Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!”rnfrom my TV and radio a couple of weeksrnback. They’re volunteers who run infomercialrnplead-athons on WTAX (KTAXrnwest of the Mississippi). Looking wearyrnafter a dreadful day in the operatingrnroom or maybe on the trading floor—rnand even though their Pierre Gardinsrnwere rumpled and Paco Rabanne wasrnfading—Muffy and Biff still found selflessrntime to honk the usual high-mindedrnbluster about quality, variety, diversity,rnexcellence, and community service, notrnto mention motherhood, hot dogs, andrnthe crumminess of commercial broadcasting.rnGreat stuff, huh? Quick, name onernregular show that’s produced by PBS inrnyour town. Now ask your friends if theyrncan. No, not Sesame Street, not Nova,rnsomething locally produced for all ofrnthose bucks. What is this tony teamrnpraising? Fact—PBS is where thousandsrnof people get paid to entertain hundredsrnof viewers with a grant from our childrenrn—make-work for Ivy League semioticsrnmajors. In fact, Nielsen’s data showrnthat the 196 licensed PBS stations arernprimarily sitters for preschoolers and thernaged.rnAccording to the Philadelphia Inquirer,rn”BBS’s numbers are dwarfed by its commercialrnnetwork competitors. Its topratedrnshow [last] fall was the farewellrnmovie of I’ll Fly Away, which didn’t attractrnenough viewers to survive on NBC.rnThe 5.2 rating, cause for celebration atrnPBS, would have ranked the movie nearrnthe bottom of prime-time commercialrnshows. On a typical night in prime time,rnPBS reaches 2.4 percent of Americanrnhomes.” Need a safe-house for America’srnMost Wanted? Star them on a PBSrnshow.rnSuppose your cable company carriedrnanother distant PBS station and your localrnoutfit went dark tonight . . . whornwould notice? Why are there local installationsrnat all, when we could beamrnPBS from a cable-linked satellite likernCNN, A&E, C-SPAN, or Nickelodeon?rnAnd why do Biff and Muffy keep tellingrnus how much they pay for all thatrnmarginal programming? With rarelyrnmore than a three-share, why did thernfeds give a quarter of a billion tax dollarsrnlast year to PBS to make that stuff? Andrnsince they’ve already grabbed so much ofrnour money, why not just tell them, “HeyrnBiff and Muffy, we already gave at the office!”rnShallow, small-minded thinking?rnTake a trip to your PBS affiliate. Marvelrnat their equipment. And then ask whererntheir capital, not their operating, theirrncapital budget comes from. Imagine ifrnyour boss didn’t have to pay a bank noternfor land, equipment, computers, or evenrnthe purchase of the business. Imaginernhow much more would be left to payrnyou. On top of that, imagine gettingrnlisteners to mail some of their tax dollarsrnto you instead of Washington! Wow,rnfree equipment, then tax-subsidizedrnbonuses (money for nothing and Muffyrnfor free)! Well, what do you think taxdeductiblerncontributions are?rnEvery buck oozing into a neighborhoodrnPBS money-pit feeds the deficitrnthat your kids will have to pay. Toxic taxrnspill. Even though Biff and Muffy couldrnnever utter it, each of those PBS shows isrnbrought to you, literally, by a grant fromrnyour kids. And the fact that they spendrnabout a quarter of all dollars raised to solicitrneven more pledges confirms thatrnPBS T-shirt, “It is morally wrong to letrnsuckers keep their money.”rnAnd what whimsical programmingrnthey’ve got. Take the MacNcil/Lehrer illusionrnof balance: pit Democratic leftwingrncolumnist Mark Shields againstrnClinton advisor David Gergen on arnweekly political debate during the presidentialrnelection. That’s like bookingrnAnita Hill and Lorena Bobbitt to probernthe joy of the American housewife. Andrnbiased? How can it be when the thirdlargestrnsource of most operating (andrnvirtually all capital) dollars (after pledgesrnand business gifts) is the federal government,rnin the form of grants from thernCorporation for Public Broadcasting.rnRemember CPB? That’s the independentrnorganization Congress created inrn1967 to keep politics out of funding.rnListen to Muffy and Biff smugly reveal,rn”This programming’s not for everybody.”rnThey got that right. Judging byrnthe numbers, you’re less likely to find arntrue conservative on PBS than in Berkeley’srnsociology department.rnPBS has a new and potent president,rnErvin Duggan, a 54-year-old ex-memberrnof the Federal CommunicationsrnCommission and its most outspokenrncritic of TV violence and strongest advocaternof federal decency standards. Appointedrnto the FCC by President GeorgernBush in 1990, Duggan is a Democratrnwho was a White House aide to LyndonrnB. Johnson and who actively worked onrncreating PBS. He is considered fairminded.rnDuggan says he wants to settlernthe long-standing controversy over thernnetwork’s alleged liberal bias, insistingrnthat liberals and conservatives both wantrnthe same thing—diversity of opinion andrninclusion. However, most people insidernPBS consider him a friend with a deeprncommitment to the institution and somernpowerful buddies in both Congress andrnthe FCC who could be rough on criticsrnof public broadcasting, especially if theyrndo talk-shows on commercial radio.rnMeantime, Public Radio stations arernsniffing at talk-show programming. Yourrntax dollars at work. Most of these stationsrncarry a commercial-free, financialrnadvisor. . . . Bye bye to ABC’s BobrnBrinker. And there are the two cool mechanicrnguys. .. . Adios to American Radio’srnDr. Dre Bumgartner. This is alternativernprogramming because it usesrncommercial broadcaster taxes to driverncommercial broadcasters out of businessrnas an alternative—to them. These guysrndo not forget to pillage before they burn.rnGiven the realities of competition, thernPBS mission is dead, lying on the carpet,rntwitching. And when they pull the sheetrnup over its vacant eyes, Disney will buyrnBig Bird, Fred Rogers, and Barney in arnNew York minute. One of the Mr. Turnersrnwill snap up MacNeil and Lehrer,rnwhile A&E and Discovery are already rerunningrnold PBS stuff to large audiences.rnBig steaming slabs of raw meat will bernhacked away by networks who servicerntaxpaying audiences between the agesrnof three and sixty.rnHow to stop that? Well, who needsrnmission if you’ve got money? Last year,rna group of business leaders convened byrnthe nonpartisan Twentieth CenturyrnFund all agreed that PBS needs financialrnsupport. So, why not, they asked, haverncommercial broadcasters and cellularrnphone companies pay fees for their usernof the public airwaves—you know, thernway ranchers pay to graze cattle or sheeprnon public property? Can you imaginernbusiness leaders suggesting that they berncharged to finance their weakest competitors?rnThese guys at PBS don’t wantrnOCTOBER 1994/7rnrnrn