Given the chance to write autobiographicalrnsquibs I’ve sometimes resortedrnto misdirection: “Mr. Reed, a Tennesscean,”rnfor instance, or “John Reedrngrew up in Kingsport, Tennessee.” But Irnthought I’d better tell the FBI the truth.rnSo the White House—my own Presidentrnthat I voted for—outed me. That’srnright up there for betrayal with havingrnthe dictator of communist Russia to dinnerrn(which came later).rnIt was some consolation, however, thatrnthe appointment gave me a title. Whenrnmy nomination was confirmed by thernSenate, on a slow day, I became “thernHonorable” by presidential commission,rnand I have a piece of paper to prove it.rnWhen I start feeling smug about it,rnliumility is easily restored b^ repeatingrnthe mantra, “The Honorable EdwardrnKennedy. The Honorable EdwardrnKennedy. . . .” Still, I’ve always been arnpushover for titles.rnSoutherners tend to be. Simple Jeffersonianrntaste might prescribe “sir” orrn”ma’am” as forms of address in all circumstancesrnsave those that call for obscenity,rnbut that has been a lost causerndown here ever since planter-plutocratsrnstarted appointing each other to high office.rnOne term in the upper house of thernstate legislature and you’re “Senator” forrnlife. A stretch in traffic court makes yourn”Judge.” And any military rank of captainrnor above—regular, reserve. NationalrnGuard, or Civil Air Patrol—can be usedrnwithout embarrassment until they firernthe shots over your grave. This affectionrnfor high-sounding forms of address isrnprobably what has led to the widespreadrnmisuse of “Reverend”—and of coursernthe most honored title of all is “Coach.”rnTwenty-five years ago I used to tell mvrnstudents not to call me “Doctor.” I toldrnthem that form of address should be reservedrnfor physicians, surgeons, dentists,rnchiropractors, and maybe pharmacists.rnBut this wasn’t modesty. No, mv secretrnobjection was that “Doctor” isn’t grandrnenough. Any fool can be a doctor and arngreat many are. (I’ve been party to creatingrna few mvself.) Any distinctionrnshared with Dr.’Robert Mugabe (LL.D.,rnUniversitv of Massachusetts) isn’t muchrnof a distinction. I prefer the inversernsnobbery of the Ivy League’s “Mr.” and,rnin my heart, I really like the Teutonicrnmagnificence of “Professor.” It takes,rnif nothing else, a certain amountrnof Sitzfleisch and low animal cunningrnto get an academic job these daysrnand to hold it long enough to becomern”Professor.”rnMy buddy Eugene says he never callsrnanyone “Doctor” who can’t deliver a babyrnand never calls anyone “Professor”rnwho doesn’t play piano in a whorehouse.rnObviously, I disagree with Eugene onrn”Professor,” and I’ve even mellowedrnsome on “Doctor.” If we restricted thatrnterm to what a flack I know calls “vendorsrnin the health care delivery industry,”rna lot of high school principals and Presbyterianrnministers would get upset. Butrnmy opinion of Tom Clancy’s history-professorrnhero in Patriot Games droppedrnconsiderably when he insisted on thatrnform of address, and I still make fun ofrnmy academic colleagues who put “Dr.”rnon their cheeks.rn”The Honorable,” though—well,rnthat’s different, isn’t it? My studentsrncan call me “Your Honor,” if they want.rnFor that title, it’s worth taking an oath tornsupport and defend the Constitution. Itrnmay even be worth having people knowrnwhere I was born. I’m thinking aboutrnchanging my phonebook listing.rnThe Honorable Professor ]ohn SheltonrnReed, Ph.D., is from Kingsport,rnTennessee.rnLIBERAL ARTSrnJ’OmiCAM’ARTY-INGrniTCfclatioii– 111 RiLsMa liavc .^pawned some iiilcu’slins;political iwiHcs. l,.ikf. tor iiistancf. ihc iifw ParU of I.ove, U’d bvsex symbolrnVcleiid Ki)iicliilaiiicn. ‘nii.>. i)loiicli’. ^(i-soniclhiiii; aiitrcs-; wiio “.ilioekccl tlu; coiiiiiHinisf aiilluiritics l)v Ijariiig ;ill in llic last, pnidislirncia^.s of tiu’ Soviet 1 iiion” is now k-iiipliut; voters with a “haek to basics” platfoiiu of law and cirdcv, public nioralitv. and familv iil-rnMcs. rqMJTk’tl (he J-.’/iro^fc/ii la.sl June. 1 he Pailv of I .()f, iilio^c slogan is “l.ocrs«f llu-\oild, l’nitf.”aiiiis lo “cTcalf a liaimoiiv ofrnpeople and their enviroinnent, beL-auv . . . tin; more people loe c:;ieli oilier. Ilie less lute there is .irr’und,” ni the words of Konduiaineii.rnAiiotliei frini;ei;r(iup\ini; fiirotes is the Heer-I overs’ Pailv, whose plat toim leslson the pi”inei|)le: “Pul down vour weapons andrnlet’s have a beer.” Ihe part line is that Knssuins aie tired of vodka and just want the fiecclom to ^o to a pub and li.ive a beer. ‘! hernBeer-I .overs’ {(jreinost domestic poliev is to abolish the inipoil lax on the drink so thai evervone can toast a new, intoxicated Russia.rnSEPTEMBER 1994/43rnrnrn