Let me show you how that ignorancenworks.nI play poker with a crowd that includesna couple of conservative Democrats—nsort of the Northern SpottednOwls of American political life — andnone night a while back these guys gotnto talking about how to beat JessenHelms. They agreed that you can’t winnby trying to portray him the way thenYankee press likes to do it, as evilnincarnate. For starters, that concedesnthat he is an important and powerfulnfigure: the Prince of Darkness may benthe kind of stud you want on your sidenup there in D.C. Besides, too manynvoters know that picture isn’t accurate.nThey may not agree with SenatornHelms, but they know he’s a gentleman,nand honest. As George Bush saysnin some television ads, you alwaysnknow where Jesse stands (which isnmore than can be said for “Lips”nhimself these days). Esse quam videri,nthe state motto says: “To be and not tonseem.” That’s Jesse. He’s just a littlenmore outspoken than your brothernButch, who thinks pretty much thenway he does. You saying Butch is evil?nNo, the way to beat Helms, mynfriends agreed, is to make him a figuren. of fun. Once that happens to someone,nhe’s through. Ask Jerry Ford. Ask DannQuayle.nCertainly that’s true in the South.nConsider Jim Folsom: so long as Alabamiansnwere laughing with him, theynkept him in office; when they startednlaughing at him, his vote percentagendropped to the single digits. The samenthing almost happened to RossnBarnett. Somewhere one of Barnett’snadvisers offers an engagingly candidnaccount of the time Barnett, in midcampaign,nwalked into an airplane propeller.nBefore the candidate reachednthe hospital, his staff had hastily confectedna cover story in which the propellernhad mysteriously started up andnattacked him. I mean, people alreadynsuspected the man was dumb.nWhen my friends decided ton”Lester Maddox” Jesse, as they put it,nthey really did a number on him. Mostnof what they came up with had to donwith Jesse getting the big head up therenin Washington, and losing touch withnhis roots. “Textiles going to hell, tobaccongoing to hell, and he’s up yondernhaving lunch with goddamn CentralnAmericans” — that sort of thing. Thennastiest line, probably too rough for an30-second concerned-voters-speakntelevision spot but just right for a whisperingncampaign: “You know, Jesse’snbeen in Washington too long. Henkeeps talking about homosexuals.nNow, you know that ain’t right. Somethingnwrong with a man that talks aboutnhomosexuals all the time.” (When henheard that, the Reverend BillynWirtz — a boogie-woogie piano playernI’ve mentioned in these letters beforen— instantly dashed off a campaignnsong, a Clen • Campbell parody calledn”Genitals on His Mind.” I won’t quotenfrom it in this family magazine, but Inhave encouraged Billy to apply for ArtsnEndowment support.)nThere is just enough truth in thenline my friends were developing that itnmight sting. The fact is that Jesse doesnget excited about some foreign-policynand cultural issues that few folks backnhome care about much. Those issuesnmay go down with his national constituency,nand it’s not that many peoplenhere disagree with him; they just don’tnget as worked up as he does. Thenhomosexual conspiracy is a case innpoint. Like International Communism,nit’s a rather theoretical concernnin these parts. Sure, we turned out twonthousand people in Chapel Hill lastnJune 30 for a statewide Lesbian andnGay Pride March, but, heck, threenLIBERAL ARTSnLABOUR INTERFERENCEnthousand people turned out the daynbefore for the opening of Interstate 40nto Wilmington..nAnyway, the senator’s admirersndon’t have to worry. My smart-mouthnpoker buddies aren’t running thenGantt campaign. That’s being done bynMandy Grunwald and her friends,nwho will probably go head-to-headnwith Helms on no-win issues like capitalnpunishment and Arts Endowmentnfunding. So I conclude, anyway, fromnwhat happened when one of my anti-nHelms friends, finding himself innChadotte, presumed on his credentialsnas a longtime Democratic campaignnworker to stop by Gantt headquartersnand offer the visiting Yankees somenfree advice.nHe outlined the Lester Maddoxnstrategy to a young woman on thencandidate’s staff. He even sang a fewnbars of the Reverend Billy’s song. Butnthe young woman was not amused.n”We certainly intend to portray himnas weak and ineffectual,” she sniffed,n”but Jesse Helms is not laughable.”nMy friend realized at that momentnthat he was wasting his time. He saysnhe should have figured that out eadier,nwhen he walked into Gantt headquartersnand was invited not to smoke.nJohn Shelton Reed is proud to he anNorth Carolina Republican.nCitizens of Rochdale, Greater Manchester, are not knownnfor mincing words, and their Labour Party mayor. VeranLomax, is no exception. As reported in the London Times,nMrs. Lomax did not take kindly to gasmen who begannnoisily digging up the road outside her house at breakfastntime. In fact, she brandished a kitchen knife and threatenednto castrate one of the workmen, adding ominously that shen”liked sweetbreads for breakfast.” The worker, one AlannDempsey, told authorities that she then doused him with ancup of tea and stood by as her dog bit him. She even tried tonpuncture one of the rubber pipes with a hat pin. “She wasnhysterical,” said Dempsey. “I said ‘Just calm down, sweetheart.’nShe replied: ‘Don’t call me sweetheart, you disgustingnmale brat.'”nMrs. Lomax, who reportedly has had assertiveness training,nlater explained that she was angry because Mr.nDempsey’s pants were unzipped, and that she considerednhim improperly dressed. “I can be self-righteous and prissynat times,” she conceded. She was fined £300 for threateningnbehavior.nnnOCTOBER 1990/51n